As of late, my mind has felt like a chair that has been left out on the porch during the rainy season - dull, useless, and stagnant. I can't even seem to focus on a YouTube video for more than a few minutes, constantly finding myself saving things to "watch later" for some hypothetical future moment when I am someone entirely different - someone that doesn't do things the way I do - someone that doesn't spend the entire day in a gloomy room staring at the wall.
The light from my table lamp is turned upside down in a way that it bounces against the wall, forming a backdrop to my brain's decay. It was supposed to be a sunset lamp, something I bought for my adoration of sunsets, yet I can't remember the last time I went out and watched the sunset. Ironically enough, the sunset filter has faded now and I had to put this magenta-ish filter on it. I could probably color the filter a bright orange, but then the sheer uselessness of the task dawns on me and I do nothing.
How do I make things feel new and different again? Exciting even? For somebody that utterly loathes the feeling of change, I can't seem to see myself getting through life without constant change. Maybe that's why I love the time of the year when one season changes into another. I've tried everything - drowning myself in coffee, sleeping to the positive racketeering by countless "motivational" speakers, walking in the sun, halting the brainless watching of HIMYM for the millionth rerun, reading so much that you forget who you are, deleting social media apps, watching movies that I have put off for a long time, painting.
Another year has passed, and I am left with the feeling that much of it has slipped through my fingers like sand. It's been over around a hundred and fifty days since I last had to get up for work. I have spent so much of this year staring at this not-so sunset light bouncing off of my ceiling. I have been planning to take a haircut for ages, but it has been postponed in lieu of godforsaken sleeping patterns among many other reasons. If only I could go get that haircut, I could have a completely different life. If I get that haircut, I could become someone new. The Soumya with a haircut has his life sorted - the Soumya with a haircut wakes up early, the Soumya with a haircut works out, the Soumya with a haircut doesn't have dinner at 3 AM, the Soumya with a haircut has a job, and he writes because he has words coming out of himself.
But at the end of this fantasy, there's always something missing. I snap back to reality and keep coming back to the fact that the last time I sent out a newsletter, it was almost a year ago. How do I become someone different? Maybe I'll finish this newsletter sitting in my drafts for weeks after I get my haircut.
— Soumya
P.s. If you didn’t notice it from the picture, I got the haircut this morning.
P.P.s. Because this newsletter was barely a newsletter, the least I could do is list some of the music I’ve been listening to.
Leave a comment if this resonated with you or if you know what else can I do.